Still alive!

I know, I know, my blogging is unreliable and irritating, but I swear that I'm still here, I just get distracted, you know? Like, should I check out that blog that I've abandoned to die, or run around the garden and pretend to be a chicken? Well I think the answer's pretty obvious.

So yeah, I'm sorry and all, but stuff's been going down.

1) A-Levels are pretty damn stressful.
2) Moving schools makes life confusing.
3) There are about 10000000 people I don't know.
4) Charity work makes me sound angelic.
5) University applications are even more stressful, if that were a thing.

So that's what I've been up to in the last...what? Half a year? I know, it's still bad.

I've also been thinking about life. It's odd, isn't it? We spend our first 18-25 years in education, and then we stop. We either get a permanent job and commit our entire lives to the same depressing routine, or we stop. I mean, what is there? What if, after all of this effort; all of these failed attempts to stay focused, there actually is no point? Maybe we should all give up. Maybe we should sit under a tree and cry. Maybe we should QUIT THINKING ABOUT LIFE, BECAUSE, AS I JUST PROVED, IT SOLVES NOTHING!

Capital letters look intimidating. Sorry, yes. In other news, I need to approach you with an extremely important question. There's this girl in my new school, and she can do the weirdest thing known to God. Sorry, I sincerely hope that that wasn't religionist (and yes, I realise no such word yet exists, but if I keep pushing for it, it'll happen). 

Yeah, this girl can make her eyes go in opposite directions, but here's the twist: she doesn't go cross-eyed. Her left eye looks towards her left ear and her right eye looks towards her right ear. Here's your question: IS THAT A THING?! I need to tune down the capitalization here. 

What now...what now... ah, yes. This is your guide to survival in a new school/college:

- SMILE (people will talk to you more if you're smiling, but it's important to do this from the beginning, otherwise they'll regard you as evil and never speak to you again).

- BE NICE (see above point).

- DON'T TALK TO ANY OF YOUR OLD FRIENDS (I don't mean "don't talk" to them, I just mean don't hang around in a big group of them all the time, because you'll never integrate with anyone else, and it's weird).

- BE CONFIDENT (sure, put your hand up in class - why wouldn't you? And yes, you should just start a conversation with that boy - why not?).

- DON'T TAKE YOUR CAT TO SCHOOL (enough said).

I honestly wish that I had a big, important issue to discuss with you because of my extended absence, but I just don't.

On the bright side, I can let you in on a MASSIVE secret.

I'm not kidding you, this is huge.

Just building up some tension here...

This will excite you.

And entrance you.

I hope that you'll like it

I LOVE YOU!

Wow, glad I got that one out of the way. Well, I'm an awkward person at the best of times, but this is basically just too much. I hope that you understand. I swear that you'll hear from me again soon.

BTW, look, it's #pleasedon'tjudgemeday

Emily OUT! xox


Word Of The Day: Thoughts.

Stress, life, and a shed more of stress

So it's exam time again, and things are getting stressful. It's hard, because you've got to worry about all of the normal things, such as whether you got dressed properly or not, whether you have writing all over your face and whether you're speaking English, and then you've got all of the school things to worry about, like acting "normal", sorting out everyone else's problems and pretending to have a social life. Then, on top of all of that, you're expected to do well at things! I mean, what? "Normal people" shouldn't be able to do that much multitasking anyway!
Okay, honestly? I usually do okay at school. I mean, I get the grades. I'm not good at any of the other stuff. I don't act right. I can't hold people's gazes; my words slip from my mouth before I can get my tongue around them properly. But it's okay, like everyone keeps telling me. It's okay, because I'm "clever".
It doesn't matter that I'm socially incapable. It doesn't matter that I don't even get on with any of my friends. It doesn't matter that every day of my life has become a constant line of worry and panic. It doesn't matter, because I'm "clever".
And that's the other thing. I'm slipping. My A's are turning into B's, my B's into C's, and there's nothing that I can do about it. Everyone keeps saying, 
You need to revise!
Otherwise you'll fail.
Exams.
They're really soon!
Don't sleep, 
Prepare!
Learn!
Revise.
Be clever.
You won't get a job.
You won't get a life.
You'll end up as nothing!
REVISE!
I don't know, it just all seems as though everyone expects me to do well, but I secretly know that I'm losing even that. 
It's like I just can't cope, and the pressure that everyone keeps putting on top of me is driving me slowly to insanity.
They're only exams.
Don't matter.
There are more important things!
Why do you even care?
Go get a proper life instead!
Stress. It's real and it's painful. I must sound so bad, like all I'm worried about is exams and grades, but that's how people are making me feel, not the other way around. I want to do well.
Because time's running out.
And there's nothing that I can do.

On the brighter side, I'm alive, and I'm trying.

Enjoy your lives, and don't be me :-) 

Word of The Day: Faith

Emily out. xox

But on the bright side, I'm still alive!

Hi everyone! So I haven't been online in waaaay too long, but I'm back now! :-) 

So basically, I've just been thinking about how insane our world actually is. I mean, you might not have actually thought about it, but the way that we - or society - does things, just doesn't make much sense at all.

For example, think about the groups and cliques at school.

I mean, you've got the basic typical popular guys, most of which are ridiculously attractive but never go for girls their own age or from their own school. Of course, also in their group your typical funny guys, an average of one or two in each popular guy clique, who is almost always unattractive, sexually deprived, but with more of a personality than all of their "friends". 

Then there are the sluts. I don't know how it is in other schools, but in mine, there are a total of three separate slut groups who all hate each other and insult each other and sleep with each other's boyfriends and just generally try to destroy each other. Oh except for Friday nights, of course. On Friday nights they all get drunk in town together and pretend to bff (and ever and ever and ever...)

Then you've got your populars, boys and girls. They're normally attractive and have busy busyyyyy social lives... only with each other... because they don't speak to anyone outside their group... but they're often considered to be charming, pleasant people... who don't like anyone who's not in their group... because anyone who's not in their group is weird...

And let's not forget the Nerds. Well, I call them the Nerds, but they're really just a mix of Nerd/Wannabe/Freak/Disgusting. Literally, about 1/3 are Nerds, who talk about their homework, or their flute lessons, or their non-existent lives, then 1/3 are Wannabes, who are basically weird people that all go out with each other, dump each other a week later, then switch boyfriend/girlfriend. It's weird. I would also put into this group the boy that asked a girl for sex, and when she said no, he offered to pay her for it. Ew. So the last 1/3 is basically made up of other random people who don't have anyone else to talk to. So yeah...they're cool...

Chavs! Everyone knows the Chavs! Basically they're the people that are too unsociable, or unattractive, to fit into the populars, or the guy populars. Some of them might also have anger management issues, or HDHD, but that's fine, because they're Chavs. They don't have much money, think that they are "hard" or "badass" and swear hell of a lot. Everyone loves a good Chav. In my school, there's a sort of Chav leader, too, who's the only decent looking guy there, and the others follow him around like his little puppet.

Next there's the sport freaks.You know, those guys and girls that would rather race around on a football field or continuously play tennis than anything else? They stand out most at break and lunchtimes, and you can always tell who they are. They're the ones yelling at each other and trying to tackle each other to the ground every five seconds.

Ooh, then there's the skanks. So slutty that you're too disgusting even for the sluts. You sleep around all the time, get drunk almost every other night, whatever. You're a skank. I know this one girl that was in the slut group, until she got so drunk that she went into the middle of the street in town, pulled down her pants, and did a poo right there in the middle of the street. Yeah, her "friends" suddenly disappeared, and she was left with the skanks.

I literally think that I could go on forever, endless stereotypes that everyone knows, and everyone follows.

But what's the point? Whether you're a music nerd, a dance freak, a boffin, a canteen lover, a goth, an emo, a spoilt brat or actually a nice person, you shouldn't have to be judged in that way. So what if you're into something, that doesn't suddenly make it part of you, or make it a bad thing. Having a passion, and a love of something so strong that it actually makes you happy, then that's good, and no one else's opinion should matter at all. You are who you are, and in this crazy, crazy world, it seems as if that's not okay.

I'm saying that it's wrong. Society is a cruel dragon, eating away at people's hopes and dreams, all of their once so strong aspirations, burnt into ashes on the ground. Live long, live pure, and don't ever, ever lose track of who you are supposed to be, and, even more importantly, who you want to be. 

Word Of The Day: Strength

Catch Up

Woo, Hi, 2013. New Year, new goals. New failures, new success stories. New jokes, new friends. New me. Hi. 

I HAVEN'T BLOGGED IN SUCH A LONG TIME! 

But hi, Italics is the new thing, bbz. What have I been doing? Changing, a LOT. I do some things that I really hate, like drawing on eyebrows...ew no! And saying things like "bbz". I mean, come on. It doesn't even make sense. 

School's been okay. I don't really like my friends, but I'm working on that. The problem is that I have to slowly make friends with new people without seeming too pushy. It's real difficult. 

Other than that, lessons and stuff, GOOD. Haha, don't ask. KD is cute. Don't ask who he is, either. Code names ftw beach. Oh yeah, I made some retarded swearing alternatives.

Beach - Bi**h
Barnacle - Bas***d
Fish - F**k
Ship - S**t
Crab - C**p

Don't ask why they're all nautical, I don't even know okay? James got himself a girlfriend :(. Isn't it just heart-braking when someone really special completely forgets that you ever existed? Don't answer that. It is.

You feel alone and neglected, like the world is moving on without you, and that you're still stuck in the past, abandoned by even the World's creators.

I feel like that right now, but I have to stay strong. No one will love me if I don't love myself, apparently. Well I don't, but screw it. 

I have a super old lady gaga song stuck in my head, what is this?

ALSO, LES MISERABLES! OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT A MUSICAL, WHAT A PERFORMANCE, WHAT A FILM. Soz, I'm good now.

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING, SINGING THE SONGS OF ANGRY MEN? 

Hee, hi. So, yeah, I'm leaving now to have a shower and not do some homework, bye bye! :) 

I love you all, and I'll write sooner this time, promise! 

Word Of The Day: Promises

Olympics and shizz

Hi, guys! So, I'm an English kid, and this Olympic stuff is finally getting through to me. Yeah, I'm a bit slow and all, but I've watched a bit of it. After all, the sailing part of it is like a couple of miles away from me, so...yeah. 

Sports that are worth watching: Gymnastics, Diving, Synchronized swimming (group), Pole vaulting, and that horse dance thing, which I don't know what it's called but is like insanely cool.

Sports that aren't worth watching: All of the rest.

So. Woo. The Olympics. Why is it special? Because it's the only time almost every country in the world unites and acts as one.

I hate sport. I just do. But that's something that I can't get over. The only thing that brings the countries together.

Omg I'm getting seerrrriooousss....moment passed :). So, Urmm..my day? I HAVEN'T DONE MY MATHS THAT WAS DUE IN TWO MONTHS AGO. And I cba, so I did my art instead.

Hi.
My name's Mr. Robot.
I like to make up lies about my name and gender.
I also like sharp things. :).
You know nothing about me. 
I have a stash of bodies hidden somewhere...
Want me to tell you where? :).
Let's be friends. 3:).

Wth...that wasn't me. That was someone else. I'm not here. I'm gone. I'm hyper. BYEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!:D:D:D Love you world ;).

Word Of The Day: Dafuq? 

New Blog!

In an attempt to tell you more about the more depressing points of my life, I've decided to create a new blog, purely created to display more stories about my sister and horrible situations that have been going on. The new blog shall be called 'Left in The Dark', and you can find it through my profile :).

Word Of The Day: Lollage.
Just for the hell of it ;).

When There's Nowhere Left to Run

Feel free to ignore my last post, I was in a rather strange mood, but I didn't lie. I am having troubles at home at the moment.

Everything really kicked off about two years ago now. 

What is Anorexia?

Not me, my elder sister. Don't worry, she's okay now. She got betterish.

Anorexia is a mental disease. I used to think it was just a word for when people were really skinny, but it's not. It's a condition in the process of insanity. An illness. It corrupts minds and tears apart families. And trust me, I know. 

Two years ago she began to develop the symptoms. At first, I didn't know, though. My parents didn't tell me. She didn't tell me. I just carried on with my own life.

Then one day, my sister was out and my parents were downstairs. I was in my room, playing with my toys, because that's what I did then. I was just a child. That's when my phone started bleeping at me, and I received a text from my sister, telling me that my parents were clearing out her room, and I had to get some papers from under her bed that she didn't want them seeing. 

I did what I was told. I always did. I was a good girl. So I crept into her room, feeling like a spy. It was exciting; a new game. I had to crawl across the floor, because it creaked horribly, and the kitchen where my parents were was directly below it. So I made my way over to the bed and crawled underneath it.

I spent about ten minutes looking for these 'papers', but I didn't know what I was really looking for, so I gave up and ran off. I didn't think anything of it after, and my sister never mentioned it. I think I must have forgotten about it for a while, but there was always that feeling at the back of my mind; the constant one; the one that never fades, even now: Is this normal? 

Months passed and nothing much happened, but I knew that it was. That doesn't make sense. How to describe it? I knew that something was going on behind my back, but I didn't know what. I sensed it; whenever I walked out of a room quiet whispering began; whenever my family thought I was asleep, the hissed conversations began outside.

I couldn't understand it. The only time that I'd ever known secrets to be kept from me before was at Christmas, or my Birthday. Maybe I was getting a present? Or a treat? Something that I had always wished for.

At least that was what I told myself. In reality, though, I knew that it wasn't that. Something else was going on - something bad. 

In the end, I snapped, and stopped feigning stupidity. The next time that my parents started talking as soon as I left the dining room, I quickly hurried back in and gave them both a strange look as I cleared the table. 

That's when they told me.

It's your sister.

We think something's wrong.

No.

We know something's wrong.

It's called Anorexia.

It's an illness.

It's a disease.

Food.

Eating.

We have to help her.

So that's how it began. I'm not going to fully explain the concepts of the illness, because you can look it up somewhere else. Google it if you don't already know, but you probably do.

Imagine looking at yourself in the mirror, seeing your bones sticking out everywhere at odd angles, your skin stretched across them; imagine seeing yourself hollow; a skeleton. Bags under your eyes. Skin yellowed. Fingers long, skeletal. Then imagine not seeing it at all; imagine taking that image; that disgusting, sickening image, and seeing a fat person.

That's what Anorexia is. It messes with your brain and changes who you are. It's not right. I can't even convey to you how much I now despise it. I'm still a kid; I'm fourteen years old, but if there was anything that I could do to stop such a thing, I know that I would, whatever the cost.

My sister became my life. That's just how it was. I'd always had to give her a lot of attention, and expect little to myself, especially from my parents. She was the moody teenager, throwing temper tantrums and pretending that she knew everything. That should have been enough attention. But it wasn't.

I can remember how scared I was back then. I wanted to run away and hide. I thought she was going to collapse at any moment, and my parents didn't help.

She might feint.

Don't worry.

Call an ambulance.

Tell them what's wrong.

Anorexia.

Tell them.

Stay calm.

She could go to hospital.

Food forced into her.

I wanted it all to stop. I'd had enough. So I kept looking after her, devoting two years of my life to looking after her; to creeping up after tea to see if she'd made herself sick in the toilet. To see if her razor blades were lying all over the shower floor again.

This is Anorexia. Not a state of fat or thin. A monster.

That's not what I wanted to talk about in this post, though. Not my sister. Me. My parents. Me.

To cut it short, they think I'm copying my sister. They think I'm like her, and I honestly don't have a clue what to do. I've spent my whole life hating it, and now they think I have it? I'm scared. I want to run downstairs and stuff my face. But then they'll be waiting, expecting me to make myself sick.

I'm not like her. I won't be. I know I'm not. They're wrong. I eat normally; I see myself as a perfectly average size. Don't make me be like her, please.

Word Of The Day: Trapped.